The Value of Self-Portraits in Overcoming Your Fears
I just finished watching graincheck’s YouTube video, “Self portraiture is about more than the photos.” It is 15 minutes well spent and it was good for me to get a female perspective on the topic. About this time last year, I decided, on the spur of the moment, to take a self-portrait. I had received a speedlight and a photo umbrella as gifts for Christmas and wanted to learn how to use them. I figured it was better to learn on myself than to subject someone else to that torture.
When I started, I wasn’t trying to do anything profound, but I certainly had reservations to overcome before I could get to the point where I could post them online. One of the things that helped me step out of my comfort zone and start taking self-portraits was the title of Sean Tucker’s YouTube video “The Healing Power of Self Portraits.” At the time, I didn’t even watch the video, the title was enough to urge me along. I have since watched Sean’s video, and it too is worth the time.
All the images below are from my January 2022 self-portrait session.
Self-Portraits
Confusion
This is literally me trying to figure out how to do a one-light self-portrait using an off-camera Speedlight, TTL, a photo umbrella, a line-of-sight remote shutter release, and correct auto-focus mode, with a kit lens on a "my-first-DSLR" from 2016!
Frustration
When learning a new skill it is often incredibly frustrating when you aren't getting the results you want. The vast majority of the time it is because you don't know what you don't know. A lack of new and better equipment is often the first reason given for poor results. In reality, the only real solution is time and effort spent doing "the thing," whatever that might be. Your brain and body need time to make new connections, without this, you will never even understand the problem you think you are trying to solve. Don't get me wrong, equipment matters, but not if you don't know how to use any of it.
Patience
In our fast-paced culture with easy access to information and online tutorials and classes, the desire for instant success is an obstacle which must be overcome with patience and determination. It is said that mastery of a subject takes 10,000 hours working in that discipline. If anyone thinks they can go out, buy a camera and a few classes and then call themselves a professional photographer, they are mistaken. To do so, is a disservice to all those photographers who have spent decades honing their craft, finding their voice, and producing their art. As a hobbyist who has spent way too much time trying to figure out the simplest of things, the true professionals have my respect!
Epiphany
Ingesting information is only part of the learning process. It is only after trying and failing, trying and failing, that we truly learn how something works. Learning by doing is what allows us to connect the dots of the many different things we "know" so that we can make something out of it.
The Portrait
Is this the best portrait in the world? No, not even close. Is it over-processed? Yes. Yes, it is; the portraits in this series are meant to be dramatic. Am I happy with it? Yes, I am. I learned a lot about what to do and what not to do. I also learned a lot about myself.
Satisfaction
The Satisfaction that comes from learning. It has often been said that the camera does not lie. That simply isn't true. Even the best camera only has half the dynamic range of the human eye (the ability to see details in the highlights and shadows). Lens either distort or compress. Lighting is used to either soften or harden the image and can be used to make the face look slimmer, or make the subject look angelic or ghoulish. Almost anything can be done in postprocessing. When you are looking at a photo, you are looking at what its creator wants you to see.
Overcoming Fears
For me, photography and videography have been useful in helping me overcoming several fears and self-misconceptions. I recently read something from a photographer about “the gap” that most people have between how the world sees them and they see themselves. And it is this gap that causes many people to not want to have their portraits taken (Unfortunately, I cannot remember where I read it, otherwise I would attribute the author here). I think that closing that gap is the best way to reduce fear and increase self-confidence which both lead to better self-expression. You see, I have always struggled with the way I look and the way I sound. Not a big issue day to day but it can be a big issue when I’m put into new and uncomfortable situations. To put it simply, I have a speech impediment, bad skin, and when I was younger, red hair and freckles were not considered attractive.
But then one day, it dawned on me. Everyone I interact with already used to seeing me and hearing me the way that I really am. I am the only one uncomfortable with how I look and sound. So, to force myself to be more comfortable with me, I recorded video of myself talking and then forced myself to watch and listen to it over and over again. I then decided to produce a video on a specific topic, and forced myself to edit it as if it were going to be released to the public, and of course, that requires a lot of repeated watching and listening. It was painful, but I got through it. And then, I did it again, and guess what, it was less painful. Looking back, a similar tool has been used for decades to help people overcome speech impediments. My father, when he was younger, also struggled with a speech impediment. And his speech therapist had him sit in front of a mirror and watch himself speak. In the middle of my struggles as a teenager, my father tried to get me to do the same, but I simply could bring myself to do it.
Self-portraits serve a similar purpose. Whether it’s graincheck’s photos of distorting her face and body, or Sean dealing with his scared face and skinny body, self-portraiture forces you to look at yourself in a different way. It allows your brain to get used to a different perspective of yourself. Then, if you edit your photos and start zooming in on those unsightly features, well, yeah, there’s that. For some, I can see that it could be traumatizing, for others, like me, it was freeing.
